Weekends and the pub

"A couple" is the most flexible unit of measurement in the English language. On Friday night, "a couple" starts as two. Then a friend arrives, so that's a round. Then it's his round. Then there's a shot, which doesn't count, because it's small. A shot isn't really a drink. It's more of a gesture. Then there's a bottle of wine with the curry. You shared it, so it's only half, which is basically one. On Saturday morning, when someone asks how much you had, you'll say "only a couple". You'll believe it. You'll be wrong by somewhere between six and eleven.

Next: Weekend mathsBack to the contents

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Monday to Friday, you're a machine. Walks, home sessions, vegetables you can name. Then Saturday turns up with a takeaway menu and a thirst, and by Sunday night you've undone the week. Five good days plus two undoing days equals going nowhere slowly, at great expense.

Researchers have seen this exact pattern. In one study of people trying to lose weight, they ate more at weekends, and their progress stalled on those days.¹ Other studies have found weight tends to go up at the weekend and back down in the week.² Dr Shamington, on a Monday morning, looks very pleased with himself.

The fix isn't to ban weekends. It's to make them part of the plan. A walk on Saturday morning. One treat meal rather than a rolling buffet. A few drinks rather than a few too many.

Next: What a night out really costsBack to the contents

Alcohol has 7 calories per gram, almost as many as fat.³ A pint of 5% beer can be up to 222 calories, and a standard 175ml glass of 12% wine up to 158.³ Five pints is over 1,100 calories before the kebab has even been considered. And the kebab is always considered. The kebab is considered by people who have never once, sober, considered a kebab.

Then there's the rest of the bill:

• Sleep. A few drinks might help you nod off, but sleep in the second half of the night tends to be more broken.⁴ You wake up having technically slept, the way a phone on 1 per cent is technically charged.
• Muscle repair. In one study, drinking after a hard training session cut the muscle-building response by about a quarter, even with protein. Without protein, it was over a third.⁵
• The hangover. Hungover people don't go for walks. They go to the chip shop, then lie down in a dark room, then go back to the chip shop, then text everyone "never again", which is the second most popular lie in this chapter.

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