Menu

Start here

Bootcamp

This is where you start if you're out of shape, brand new to all this, or coming back after a break so long the gym has changed its name twice. Twenty-one chapters, in order, in plain English. No gym jargon, no shouting, and no before-and-after photos of a man called Brad.

Before you startA word about the voice, and the honey badger

A word about the voice

I'm a bloke, and I talk a bit like one. Twenty-odd years of gyms and the Army will do that. I also grew up in a family of strong women, and I hope to finally put the trauma of that to good use. I mean that as the highest compliment, partly because it's true and partly because they'll read this.

So this is written for everyone. Where something's only about women's bodies, I haven't got one, so I did the reading and asked the people who have. Those sections come with a button for the men to skip ahead. I'd stay and read them if I were you, lads.

About the honey badger

There's a honey badger in Bootcamp. He has nothing to do with fitness. He doesn't train, eat sensibly, stretch, rest or listen. If you try to pick him up, he'll turn round inside his own skin and bite you. Honey badgers can genuinely do that, and it's the main reason I love them.

He's here because I find honey badgers funny. Nasty, fearless, furious little animals that pick fights with things hundreds of times their size and don't stop. That's the reason. There's no strategy. Some of you will get it straight away. Some of you will spend twenty-one chapters wondering why a beginner's guide to exercise keeps telling you what a badger did to the bins. Both are fine. He's probably not for everyone. He's always for me.

Everything he does is made up, exaggerated, or both. Everything else on this site is true.

Why is he here? Read the full, official explanation.

Where should you start?

Four quick questions. Nothing is saved or sent anywhere, including the health ones.

1. How active are you right now?
2. Have you trained before?
3. Do any of these apply?

Tick any that do. Leave them all blank if none do.

4. What do you most want?

Is it for you?

It's for you if

  • You're starting from nothing, or coming back after a long break.
  • You'd rather start at home than in a gym.
  • You want honest answers with sources, not a sales pitch.
  • You're pregnant, older, or have been told to "take it easy" and want to know what that actually means.

It's not for you if

  • You already train regularly. Try the articles and the revision instead.
  • You want a bodybuilding programme or a strict diet plan.
  • You need treatment for an injury or a medical condition. That's your GP or a physio.

Who's talking

I'm James. I'm training to be a PT, I'm ex-infantry, and I've told myself every lie in Bootcamp. "Too tired." "I'll start Monday." I once walked up a slope so gentle that a marble would have had to think about which way to roll, and I cried the whole way up. I knew, every step of the way, that it wasn't the hill. The army can hear an excuse coming from the far end of a parade square. It took me a lot longer to hear my own.

You can't bullshit a bullshitter. So every chapter here starts with a lie, usually one I've told, and then takes it apart properly. And every fact comes with a source at the bottom of the page. I checked them all. It was horrible.

What you'll get

  • A way of thinking that lasts longer than a diet.
  • Home sessions with diagrams, using furniture you already own.
  • Honest answers on soreness, food, water, drink, supplements and setbacks.
  • Chapters on getting older, your pelvic floor, and pregnancy, because bodies aren't all the same.
  • A twelve-week plan you can tick off and save to your phone, then a clear path into the gym if you want it.

Every chapter opens with the short version and a list of what's in it, so you can read the lot or jump straight to the bit you need. Each one ends with one small job, called your rep, and a button to save the chapter to your phone. Use it. This site remembers your progress, but only in this browser, and browsers forget. Your photos don't.

New here? Start with chapter 1. It has no exercise in it at all, and it's the most important one.

Start chapter 1

Part one: head first

  1. 1Read this firstWhy diets end, why slow wins, and the cheapest trick in the book.
  2. 2The mirrorHow the mirror helps, and what to do when it starts running the show.
  3. 3The scalesMeet Dr Shamington the Third of Brunswick. He speaks once a month.
  4. 4Getting olderMuscle, bone, the menopause, and some ninety-year-olds who got a lot stronger.

Part two: moving

  1. 5Stop signs and safetyWhat's normal, what isn't, and when to call 999. The one serious chapter.
  2. 6Moving moreWalking, stairs and silly maths. Every minute counts.
  3. 7Week one at homeYour first strength sessions, with furniture you already own.
  4. 8Your pelvic floorThe muscles nobody mentions, and how to stop a sneeze becoming an event.
  5. 9Pregnancy and after birthMoving safely while pregnant, and coming back gently afterwards.
  6. 10StretchesMoving stretches before, still stretches after. Bouncing is for castles.
  7. 11Sore the day afterWhy the stairs hurt on day two, and when it's more than that.
  8. 12Rest and recoveryMuscles grow while you rest. Plus a fair verdict on Heavy Duty.

Part three: fuel

  1. 13WaterHow much, what counts, and why a litre in one go is just theatre.
  2. 14Food without the faffThe plate, a protein calculator, and treats not cheats.
  3. 15Weekends and the pubWeekend maths, what a night out costs, and an honest word.
  4. 16Pills, powders and coffeeWhat's worth it, what isn't, and what's dangerous.

Part four: out the door

  1. 17Going outsideWalks, lamppost speed play, and your first jog.
  2. 18Bring a mateWhy company keeps you going, and how to pick your person.
  3. 19When it wobblesHappy little accidents, never missing two, and your if-then plan.
  4. 20Your first twelve weeksA plan with boxes to tick, saved to your phone. The first of many.
  5. 21Ready for the gym?How to know, and exactly where to go next.

Bootcamp is general information for adults, not personal medical advice. If you have a health condition or haven't been active for a long time, check with your GP before you start. If you're pregnant, read chapter 9 first. If you get chest pain, call 999.

Already past the basics? Try the articles, or test yourself on the names.

Chapters you've opened get a green tick. That's remembered on this device only.